UPDATE: Chris Brown

Due to his well-documented homophobic slurs and much publicized violent assaults Your Mama knows that a some of y'all don't care to hear a thing about Grammy winning pop/R&B artist Chris Brown. We feel you, puppies, we really do. But we just can't help it just like we—like most people—can but help but look for tragedy when we pass a car accident Not among the interested? Well, we suggest that rather than whine like a six year or try to slay us with your poison-laced words that you simply pull up yer big gurl panties and hold your damn horses until Your Mama comes up with something more to your celebrity real estate liking. We can't be the butter for every child's toast every day, you know. Okay? Okay.

As was expected by property gossips, young and volatile Mister Brown—he's but 24 and, as Your Mama types our digits to the nubbins, currently ensconced in a court-ordered anger management rehab facility—put his elevator-accessed four-plus story hillside house in the Hollywood Hills on the market a few days ago for $1.92 million. This is the same house, digital and print tabloid readers will recall, that lights up at night like a lavender-hued Christmas tree and where Mister Brown (in)famously inflamed the dander of some of his neighbors with massive, monster-themed graffiti murals he had painted on a street-level retaining wall in front of the house.

One of the neighbors complained to the L.A. Times in May (2013) that, "There are lots of babies, lots of children, and they’re literally frightened. It’s like devils on the wall — big scary eyes and big scary teeth..." Apparently the wall murals were in violation of some sort of code or ordinance and Mister Brown was ordered buy the city to remove them or face escalating fines.

The murals were removed in July (2013) but Mister Brown renown attorney, Mark Geragos, made sure to let the L.A. Times know that his client did not remove them due to neighbors' complaints or legal pressure but rather because he planned to sell the house. That sounds perfectly reasonable except that listing photos show similar, Crayon-colorful graffiti murals of monster characters completely cover the back wall of the airy, open-concept main living area.

The thing is, children, we don't hate the murals in the living room. We would most certainly not want all those snaggle-toothed monsters glaring at us with their salivating mouths in our own home but we can and do appreciate the audacity and commitment required to have such a work of art—or artistic expression—installed in one's home.*

And, did y'all take note of the top floor master suite? If there's anything Your Mama loathes in contemporary home design than these trendy open-concept master suites that provide exactly zero privacy it would most certainly be that lurid, lipstick red soaking tub that Mister Brown had installed right on the open border between the bedroom and bathroom. Have mercy! Sure, it matches the rather rococo gilt and red velvet throne and wrinkled drapery, but child, pleeze. How does any sane person not see a lipstick red bathtub as the very picture of decorative douche baggery? Surely that is a worse offense than a black commode, right? (Will somebody please bring Your Mama a nerve pill to settle our frazzled sensibilities?)

Don't misunderstand Your Mama. We don't hate this house. In fact, we sort of like its Rubik's cube-like architectural complexity. What we don't care for is its night-clubby attitude. Call us old-fashioned—and we have been called much worse, we can assure you—but Your Mama just doesn't see the appeal of living in a house decorated like an upscale strip joint. We just don't. But that's really neither here no there, is it? Anyways...

Mister Brown still owns a penthouse condo in West Hollywood that's currently on the market for $1.6 million and her reportedly made an offer on a house in a star-studded gated enclave in Malibu but iffin we're honest—and we always are—we'd confess we don't have any specific intel on that.

*P.S. As far as this property gossip is concerned, the several other murals on the walls (and ceiling) in other locations throughout in the house are woefully ill-advised, a stylistic overkill that, quite frankly, diminishes the face-slapping power of the mural in the main living area. Anyways...

listing photos: Coldwell Banker

Didja y'all hear...

...that Legend Point, basketball legend Michael Jordan's deservedly but not so humbly dubbed seven-ish acre estate in the leafy, well-to-do Chicago suburb of Highland Park (IL), failed to sell at yesterday's globally publicized auction?

Mister Jordan custom built the 56,000 square foot mega-mansion—it sort of looks to Your Mama like an upscale pharmaceutical research center—and put it on the open market in early 2012 with an asking price of $29 million. Nobody bought it. Almost a year later the price tag of Mister Jordan's nine bedroom and 19 toilet residential monument to wealth and success was slashed to $21 million, a undeniably drastic price cut that also failed to flush out a serious buyer.

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Mister Jordan's next real estate move was put the decidedly contemporary but still palatial property up for auction with a reputable real estate auction house with a reserve price of just $13 million and then publicize the shit out of it.

Alas, as first reported by the property gossips at the Chicago Tribune, all the tongue wagging by property gossips, a video tour with Willie Geist on the goddamn Today Show, and the severely reduced minimum bid all failed to attract a financially qualified buyer who not only has 13 or 15 million clams to spend on a house and wants to live in Highland Park but is willing to take on the extreme maintenance issues and costs associated with owning a house of this magnitude.

Mister Jordan's spokesperson told the Chicago Tribune that Mister Jordan will re-group over the holidays and sort out his real estate options as they pertain to Legend Point after the new year.

A few of the massive manse's notable features include a double-height formal living room larger than some hotel lobbies, an ultra-modern imported kitchen, a trophy room, a beauty salon, a movie theater, and a 1,000 bottle wine cellar. There's also a lower level cigar lounge with walk-in humidor, an upstairs gentleman's lounge with doors that were originally in the original Playboy Mansion in Chicago, and—natch— a professional quality, full-court indoor basketball court and a commercial-scaled fitness center.

In addition to vast, tree-ringed lawns, a private pond, and a putting green, there's a stunning, perfectly circular if somewhat civic-looking dark bottom swimming pool with an off-center but also perfectly circular island of well-watered and perfectly-clipped lawn connected to the "mainland" terrace by a sleek arched bridge.

Despite the warm-hearted holiday seasons that are upon us Your Mama would bet both our long-bodied bitches, Linda and Beverly, that several if not scads and scores of the children feel the awful but inviting tug of celebrity real estate schadenfreude over Mister Jordan's Legend Point woes. However, puppies, we're certain Mister Jordan could give a shit because he's rich as the damn pope. According to Forbes he still hauls in an estimated $80 million a year so, even thought we're sure he'd prefer to sell, he can well afford to keep and maintain his super-sized house in the 'burbs of Chicago house for as long as it takes until someone comes along and takes its high-maintenance hulkitude off his hands.

A brief (and very possibly incomplete) run down of Mister Jordan's residential real estate portfolio includes a 28,000 square foot custom-built compound in a swanky, guard-gated golf community in Jupiter, FL; a pair of penthouse pads in downtown Charlotte, NC—where he owns the Charlotte Bobcats; an 8,000 square foot ski chalet in Park City, UT; and a 12,000_ square foot lake-front mansion in Cornelius, NC that he scooped up in February of this year (2013) for $2.8 million.

video: NBC News

Your Mama Hears...

...From the always eerily well informed real estate yenta Yolanda Yakketyyak that actor Breckin Meyer and his estranged wife, writer/director wife Deborah Kaplan, quietly sold their Beverly Hills Post Office area house in mid-August (2013) for $2,775,000 to vaunted British thespian Sir Ben Kingsley and his much younger fourth wife, Brazilian film and stage actress Daniela Lavender.

In addition to the Academy Award, pair of BAFTAS, Grammy and two Golden Globes Sir Kingsley picked up for his break out starring role as Gandhi in the 1982 docu-film Gandhi, there have been six more Golden Globe nominations, four Emmy nominations, and three additional Oscar nods for for Bugsy (1991), Sexy Beast (2000), and House of Sand and Fog (2003). In 2000 the Queen of England named him a Commander of the Order of the British Empire and in 2010 he was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Sixty-nine year old Sir Kingsley—his birthday is in a couple weeks, mazel tov—remains much in demand with, according to the Internet Movie Data Base, at least nine projects in various stages of production and planning.

Some of the children may recall that Your Mama discussed the gated property back in May 2013 when Mister Meyer and Miz Kaplan first put the 4,888 square foot abode—we described it then as a "micro-manse"—on the open market with an asking price of $2,995,000.* The price eventually dropped to $2.795 million before an opaque corporate entity that our dear informant Miz Yakketyyak swears is connected to Sir Kingsley came along to snatch it up for just a smidgen under asking.

Listing details from the time of the latest sale that Your Mama scared up out of the interweb show the traditional-minded two-story house—owned in the 1980s by Her Glam Highness Joan Collins Herself—was originally built in the 1930s and is currently configured with four bedrooms and five bathrooms plus a separate office or guest/staff suite with an additional bathroom and private entrance.

Of few of the other interior features include a spacious center hall entry, formal living and dining rooms with fireplaces, a large and well-equipped if slightly dated kitchen, a family/screening room with three-stool wet bar, and a private, second floor master suite with marble bathroom and private terrace. Outsie, as per digital marketing materials, there's swimming pool, a vine covered dining pergola, and a poolside loggia.

Your Mama is just gonna be honest and admit that we neither don't know if Sir Kingsley currently owns or previously owned a home in Tinseltown before nor where Mister Meyer and/or ex-Missus Meyer moved.

*Property records show the erstwhile Kaplan-Meyer couple acquired the B.H.P.O. property in September of 2003 for $1,875,000.

listing photos: Teles Properties

Chris Brown Lists Hollywood Hills House

SELLER: Chris Brown
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,920,000
SIZE: 3,000 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The tooth-monster graffiti that so incensed his neighbors is all gone and— no doubt much to the delight of those angry and annoyed neighbors—always controversial R&B/pop entertainer Chris Brown, has put his high-contemporary Hollywood Hills house on the open market with an asking price of $1,920,000.

Mister Brown, who is still on probation for his 2009 Grammys eve assault of his then girlfriend Rihanna, was arrested (again) in late October (2013) for assaulting a photographer in Washington, D.C. He's currently checked into his second (court ordered) residential anger management rehab facility after he was kicked out of the first facility because he threw a rock through his momma's car window after a family therapy session. Anyways, Mister Brown's obvious personal issues aside...

Property records (and scads of reports from the time) show the Grammy-winning entertainer acquired the multi-story hillside residence in the so-called Hollywood Dell 'hood in the foothills above Hollywood in October 2011 for $1,550,000.

Current listing information shows the decidedly contemporary, four-plus story, elevator-accessed house, designed by architect Jay Vanos, has three bedrooms and three bathrooms in about 3,000 square feet of sun-splashed interior space and with glass walls, soaring ceilings, and city lights views. The high-tech interiors include an extravagant LED lighting program, a snazzy Italian kitchen, and a home automation system.

Outdoor living spaces include a couple of fire pits, a projection screen, stone waterfalls, a green roof, and an LED- and swim jet-equipped swim swimming on top of the street level garage and the studio space above it.

As far as this property gossip's research shows Mister Brown continues to own a three bedroom penthouse pad in West Hollywood that he bought in February 2011 for $1.6 million. Mister Brown quickly ran afoul of his West Hollywood neighbors, too, and first listed the 3.5 bathroom open-plan penthouse in May 2012 for $1.895 million. It was taken off the market in early 2013 but popped back up in July with a lower asking price of $1,695,000.

Back in mid-November gossip juggernaut TMZ reported Mister Brown made an offer for a house in a star-studded gated enclave in Malibu.

listing photo: Coldwell Banker